COUNSELLING & COACHING

Growing up as a boy in the 70s who was conscious of his differences and the conditioning it required to survive, I feel my life has been spent trying to reconnect with that boy whose spirit, passion and expression was dimmed.

I feel this is a common thread with gay men, and those who don’t fit the mould of societal and familial expectation, around the world.

That nagging awareness of not feeling connected to my true self, thus not being able to truly connect with others, has led me on a challenging – and ongoing – quest to reconnect with my authenticity and lead the most fulfilling and rewarding life I possibly can.

For me, this has been found in deepening my spirituality, which in my opinion is essentially an unflinching pursuit of personal growth, in all aspects of my life.

Finding faith in myself, my true loving self, to empathically embrace and forgive the experience of my childhood self, and nurture the burgeoning of my adult self.  

To unravel conditioning and unapologetically be seen, the ultimate antidote to shame.

The catalyst for this journey began in noticing my experience in  relationships and the difficulty I found in maintaining monogamous commitments, and ultimately hurting people I loved. 

This habitual behaviour of anonymous sex began at an early age in my need to connect with men and, being unaware of and unable to understand my emotional needs, used my body to compensate, to fill that desperate need to be seen.

I received my modelling of ‘manhood and masculinity’ through a traditional 70s father. There was very little physical or emotional affection. I felt unseen.

My belief is I probably began dissociating from my feelings at a young age, as my fatherly needs weren’t met, which is where the default of  intellectualising my experience began.

This is very common in modern society, particularly for boys to think what they feel rather than be safe to feel feelings.

In relationships, I had the painful realisation that I had a lot of difficulty feeling  and expressing emotions. I spent the majority of my  time in my head – ruminating, catastrophising, analysing and using coping mechanisms to numb, to avoid challenging feelings, my safety default from childhood.

So began the rewarding journey of becoming a client in somatic therapy and with the joy and relief of change in my life, the knowledge I wanted to support others, so committing to studying, which has become a true passion.

In Radix Therapy, the modality I have been studying for 5 years, a central concept is that of our life force, an energy that flows through our body, which ideally connects us to our core – our feelings, our intuition, our purpose and then out into the world – our relationships, our creativity, our work, our expression.

This flow, in all of us through our life, but particularly from childhood can become compromised and manifests in blocks in our physical and energetic body, limiting our life experience.

Through therapy, I learnt to feel sensation in my body, to recognise emotions emerging, understood where I block my energetic flow in my body (fyi my back and neck). This consciousness of my somatic process, with deep compassion for my past has given me a greater agency over my life, in how I think, feel and act.

I believe our spirituality and our sexuality are intrinsically related.  Truly connected sex can be a sacred expression of our life force.

When I began deepening my self-connection and shedding layers of pain, I began to feel safe to be emotionally and physically intimate with my partners. Unafraid to allow others to see all parts of me.

 I hold no judgement in how others experience their sexuality but for me it became clear that my anonymous experiences were becoming compulsive, dissociated from feeling and left me feeling empty, a common refrain in speaking to other men.

We deserve to enjoy sex in deep emotional connection with others.

Other learnings I’ve gleaned from deep enquiry and what I believe to be imperative in our lives are finding purpose – what matters to us, what enhances our energy, what gives us meaning, and passion – what brings me joy, what lights me up, how do I express myself.  It may seem strange but it was something I had to really enquire of myself. I felt that disconnected.

For me, my passions, so important for balance and pleasure in my life are animals, dogs of all shapes and sizes but particularly my border collie Bundy, nature, sport, dance, the ocean, gardening, silversmithing and lapidary. 

For me, my purpose is my ongoing personal growth and supporting others in theirs. 

Our greatest creation is ourselves, the courage to make our lives the best they can be. You have the power to do this. It is inside you.

Through my experience, I offer empathy and wisdom to encourage you to learn to nurture and support yourself, which I believe is the ultimate gift you can give yourself in embracing and living your life. Let your life force flow!