For many men, sexual attraction is assumed to be immediate, visual, and spontaneous. But for some, attraction doesn’t work that way at all.
If you’ve ever felt confused by hookup culture, struggled to feel aroused without emotional connection, or wondered why intimacy feels more important than novelty, you may identify as demisexual.
What Is Demisexuality?
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person experiences sexual attraction primarily after forming an emotional bond.
This bond might include:
- trust
- emotional safety
- intimacy
- shared vulnerability
- feeling genuinely seen and known
Demisexuality exists on the asexual spectrum, but it is not the same as being asexual.
Demisexual men can have a healthy libido and sexual desire. The difference is when and how that desire turns on.
Some demisexual men only experience sexual attraction after forming a very deep emotional connection. Others may notice attraction earlier, but still find that emotional intimacy plays a central role in their arousal and desire.
1. You Need Emotional Connection to Feel Sexual Attraction
If you’re demisexual, you likely don’t experience strong sexual attraction based on physical appearance alone.
While you may recognize that someone is good-looking, that recognition doesn’t automatically translate into sexual desire.
Instead, attraction grows through:
- friendship
- emotional closeness
- trust
- shared experiences
- feeling emotionally safe
Without these elements, sex may feel mechanical, forced, or disconnected.
2. You Experience “Heart-Ons” More Than Visual Turn-Ons
Many demisexual men notice that their sexual response is deeply tied to emotional intimacy.
Your erection quality, arousal, and desire often improve when there is:
- emotional safety
- trust
- tenderness
- mutual care
- genuine intimacy
Being emotionally close can be far more arousing than novelty, porn, or purely physical stimulation.
For you, the body responds when the heart feels engaged.
3. Attraction Increases as You Get to Know Someone
Rather than fading over time, attraction often deepens as you learn more about someone.
Hearing about their inner world, their fears, values, wounds, hopes, and lived experiences can significantly increase your desire.
For demisexual men:
- vulnerability can feel erotic
- emotional openness can be arousing
- mutual sharing can function as foreplay
Sex isn’t just something you do with someone. It’s something that grows between you.
4. Dating and Sex Can Feel Especially Challenging
Living in a culture that prioritizes fast sex and low emotional investment can be difficult for demisexual men.
You may feel:
- pressured to perform before your body is ready
- out of sync with hookup culture
- misunderstood or mislabeled as “cold,” “slow,” or “complicated”
- confused by inconsistent arousal or erection difficulties
If you’ve struggled with staying hard, feeling present, or enjoying casual sex, it may not be a dysfunction.
There may be nothing wrong with you at all.
You may simply be trying to have sex in environments that don’t align with how your nervous system and sexuality are wired.
5. Demisexuality Can Emerge or Become Clearer Later in Life
Some men recognize demisexual traits early in life. Others discover them later—often after emotional growth, therapy, spiritual development, or healing from trauma.
As people mature, they may:
- seek deeper intimacy
- lose interest in validation-based sex
- become more attuned to their nervous system
- crave meaning over performance
In these moments, the body may start saying no to sex without connection.
This isn’t regression or loss of libido.
It’s often a sign of integration and self-honouring.
You Are Not Broken
If you resonate with demisexuality…
You are not deficient.
You are not “too sensitive”.
You are not failing at masculinity or sexuality.
You may simply be someone whose desire is built on connection, safety, and emotional depth.
When you honour that wiring—and place yourself in relational environments that support it—sexuality can become more satisfying, embodied, and authentic.
If you want to level up on these 3 relational skills to have more security in your relationships, check out one of my upcoming online coaching programs. You can check them out below.
Lift your cheekbones,
Matt
